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A Happiness Unequaled, July 13th, 1997 :: Ben Turner's Soapbox

 

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archived soapbox: July 13th, 1997
"A Happiness Unequaled" [permalink]
    keywords: love, relationships, London, long-distance
    soapbox #: 93
    written: July 13th, 1997
    words: 2085

"A Happiness Unequaled", an Essay

Absolutely breathtaking.

I just spent an absolutely perfect week with the woman I need, want, love, lust, respect, and think about constantly. I have never had a better week than the one I enjoyed with Anna in London. I've never felt this way, I've never been this much in love. I've never felt so comfortable.

First of all, let me tell you about Anna, as much as I think is right for a perhaps indifferent reader who just happened upon this 'Box. I first fell in love with Anna's mind, as we met over the Internet, through e-mail at first and then on an online MUD, a roleplaying game. With the patience of a huntress, she watched and observed me, deciding if I was the one worth putting her effort into. It turned out that I was that person. At first, both of us were cautious, as we are both INTJs and we are wary of love in all its forms. But it was hard not to become enamored with Anna's many talents with sophisticated topics and intellectual issues, and I was love-struck with her grasp of many different languages, including a perfect handle on English (for she is Swedish). Anna is sweet, as she seeks meaning in all things as well. She is honest, for there is no reason for her to lie when she has true feelings to divulge. She is witty, with a sharp tongue aimed at anyone who deserves a lashing of words. She is intelligent, a quality she fostered mainly on her own, through her own ambition and enjoyment. She is...why am I wasting time? She is perfect! Perfect for this world, and especially perfect for me. And Anna of course found many of the same qualities in me, for she continued to pursue me when she could have easily gone elsewhere. I thank you, Anna, for staying with me until I came around and fell deeply in love with you.

And then I received pictures of her. I shed tears in happiness when first seeing such a magnificent sight. The same woman I had fallen in love with for her intelligence, I now had a boyish crush on.

Quickly we arranged a time to meet in real life, as we don't have many opportunities to do so, and I think we needed to know how we would interact in real life, as that is the desired closeness of a couple. ;) We were both concerned with how we would like each other, as we both wanted to be seen as perfect in each other's eyes. We both wanted to be attracted and to attract in looks, as we were already confident about the attraction of our minds to each other. There was a lot of doubt, a lot of admitting, a lot of insecurity.

But when Anna and I met in London, it was an event blessed with all the gods' love. The sun came out from behind the thick London clouds as we first saw each other and it didn't rain for the rest of the week while we were together. In London! I have never seen anything or anyone so beautiful, so radiant, so charming, so utterly amazing. Anna made my knees weak and my heart opened up completely, to soak in Anna's love. Anna. I love that name, and I love the woman the name refers to.

Anna and I were instantly attracted to each other, and after talking with Anna's parents (who are wonderful themselves, and they even like me as well), we touched for the first time and were rarely separated after that. My heart sings! And I know I am not doing my love justice with this pathetic Soapbox. How I wish to express my feelings with the eloquence and beauty and perfection of a famous love poet, for there is no greater accomplishment of art than the form and mind of Anna, or of our relationship together. When you read this, capture the emotion and passion it contains, and do not judge my love by the quality of this essay.

Anna and I spent almost half of every day together, which was amazing, since I wasn't even staying with her. I was staying with my uncle and aunt, who graciously housed me for the week. They helped me get my feet on the ground as I learned how to get around in London, a city highly dependent on public transportation (as Dallas is not). Anna and I did everything together, such as going to Shakespeare's Globe twice, visiting the British Museum, walking through or past the various parks and streets in London, and many other things which you as a reader are not privileged enough to be told about.

We look beautiful together. We were the couple everyone envied and everyone looked at. We were the photo opportunity of the Globe and of the park. We are insatiably in love, with the passion and fire of youth and the commitment and seriousness of adults. Everyone can see how happy we are together.

I've said some harsh things about love in various Soapboxes, such as "I Don't Need Your Love" and "Vulnerability". In fact, if you know me, you'd probably consider me the last person to fall in love. But I never closed love off completely from my life. I always considered it something I didn't need at the moment, or something which had its benefits, but none that I had ever received. I did not realize it at the time, but I subconsciously left myself one exit should I ever fall in love. There is such a thing as true love, and true love I do now know. In the past, I only knew the pains of unrequited love or infatuation, or the sadness of relationships which could not be. I was afraid to be weak. I was afraid to let my guard down, should I not be rewarded for doing so. But with Anna, I have learned that love does work, that love is kind to those who let it into their hearts. Yes, I feel very weak sometimes because I love Anna so much. But you know what? She feels the same way about me. Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more powerful than requited love. I know how it feels, its rays striking my cheek, filling me with joy and happiness.

I always feared that I would hurt someone if I had a relationship with her, as I am easy to misunderstand and can be very moody at times. But with Anna, she understands how I feel, for she is me, the same rare personality of misunderstood thinkers. We don't have to explain ourselves to each other. We feel the same. There is an intense pleasure and comfort in that. It immediately gives a permanence to the relationship which is quickly followed by the permanence of body and mind as they join with the partner's.

The previous years of my life have been primarily for learning and for understanding. Now I am blossoming, coming into my own, using what I have learned and learning and understanding it further. But I am beginning to reap the rewards of my hard work. How do I know I am developing? Because I have found Anna, and I love her, and I understand the importance of it, but not fully, for that is reserved for the rest of the years in my life, and, well...Ben is finally getting what he deserves.

I am growing up now. I am learning about love, after finally being allowed the opportunity to do so, a chance which has eluded me my whole life thus far. I am learning about the important things in life, and how people feel about life, and how they feel about love. Many more things are being given meaning to me now, things which had previously been considered silly in my mind. I feel so alive, Anna. The coldness of my heart has been thawed completely and I have become warm and eager for your touch and embrace. I know there is always the possibility that this may stop working so well, even though that possibility is very slim and doesn't spend much time haunting my mind, but regardless of what happens, Anna, you are the one that made me feel this way. You are the one who is showing me what love is, who is making my life much more meaningful and desirable. Thank you.

After a week of being together, hugging or embracing, or holding hands, both my body and I miss you, Anna. I am back in Dallas now, separated from you, for who knows how long, until we have the good fortune to see each other in real life again. I so long to be with you, all day, as I know how comfortable and easy it is to spend hours upon hours with you. I miss you so painfully much and I wish for the day when we are together permanently, without the distance between us.

So there is a sadness that comes with my unequaled happiness. It is a sadness of missing you terribly, of feeling incomplete without your personal presence. But I will not let it overcome me.

I am so incredibly happy for the first time in my life. I make horrible company at the moment, always thinking of you, and of us, and I am not thinking about much else at the moment. I am allowed this indulgence. I am allowed to think incessantly about the perfection we share, about how glorious we are together, about how it is obvious to everyone that this love and relationship we share are meant to be. Isn't that right?

I spent a week (actually less than a week, unfortunately) with the woman I love completely and without any exception. Oh, how that week went by so quickly, and how I miss it now, and how I know that we will spend many more weeks locked in each other's arms, sharing the warmth of our bodies and of our hearts. There are no more doubts in my mind that I wish to be your lover and your best friend and your complete companion (and perhaps more, but it is too early to think about such things). I am committed to staying with you, Anna. You are so right for me.

All those poems and stories and silly utterances which talk about how a lover affects the body are no longer all that silly. Anna, you make my heart flutter and shudder and beat and yearn and love and need. You make my body quiver, you make my knees weak, you make my face gleam with joy or wrinkle up slightly in missing you. This is, correct me if I'm wrong, what Keats called synaesthesia, the combination of senses to produce a glorious effect. You physically affect me, and you've had the opportunity to see that in real life. I'm glad for that.

You drive and motivate me, Anna. You make me feel human, and proud to be so. Proud to feel emotion so strongly for the first time in my life. You make me care. You make me laugh. You make me smile. You make me cry in happiness. You control my moods. I see us being together for a very long time, yet I also feel like I have a crush on you. The comfort of a stable, long-term relationship along with the giddiness of a young boy's lusts and infatuations. I get the best of both worlds, and I hope that you do as well. This is so delightful!

On and on could I go, talking about the goddess Anna, but I would rather such flatteries and admittances be reserved for her eyes only. What wonders she beholds -- and how I wish I could feel them close to me at this very moment! The tears I weep, longing to be with you...O, I must be with you soon, in some way!

There is only one gift I want for many Christmases to come from now on, and that is you with me. Material things are nothing -- Anna, you are my everything.


 
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