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I Don't Need Your Love, July 28th, 1996 :: Ben Turner's Soapbox

 

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archived soapbox: July 28th, 1996
"I Don't Need Your Love" [permalink]
    keywords: love, life, happiness, relationships, college, education
    soapbox #: 43
    written: July 28th, 1996
    words: 649

"I Don't Need Your Love", an Essay

I believe I've decided that I don't need love at this point in my life. It took me long enough to figure it out, after an ungraceful giving up of love unrequited. Zeus certainly wouldn't stand for this, but I did. Heck, that one relationship alone screwed me up for a year. My school transcript sure indicates that. My GPA took a beating! Then I recovered from my depression, still scarred with the cynicism towards women (ah how I related to John Donne and Catullus at that time). Friends of mine found women to caress and protect, aware of the unavoidable separation of going to different colleges. But I've remained by myself, flirting every once in awhile to see what I'm capable of. Why am I like this? By personality, I think, not by experience, believe it or not.

You'll finish reading this and think I'm one selfish S.O.B. You're right. I don't like spending a lot of time with other people. I desire time by myself. Living with a roommate next year is going to be like putting Dr. Frankenstein and his monster in the same hall closet. I've tried, but I dislike being there for someone. Face it -- do you help people out completely because you care for them, or partly because you don't want them to think of you badly? Don't lie. My dad and I were discussing a similar cause-effect relationship in courage last night. Are people courageous because they really have their hearts in it, or are they scared of the consequences they'll face by not risking themselves? Anyway, I also hate the whole societal habit of men having to pay for everything. Yes, it still exists. I'd rather split the bill, but then I wouldn't be guaranteed a second date, would I? Don't deny any of this. You know it's true. Finally, I'm a really moody jerk sometimes and I wouldn't want to worry about if I hurt someone or not. I can hurt people extremely easily sometimes just by mouthing off a facetious remark. And then I have to worry about the other person when they get offended by it. What a bother. I have better things to do with my time.

Yeah, so I fell into a stupid one-year relationship with a woman who didn't really love me. That's Apollo's punishment for my leaving his side. He has forgiven me and I again live by the Apollonian mindset, rather than the Dionysian philosophy. No wonder I identify with the serious, militaristic Romans. I live by the savior of thought now, not by the devilish imp called Emotion. I am more stable emotionally now, allowing me to pass into a more mature state. I am happy most of the time, believe it or not, and I have a positive, realistic outlook on the world. Like the burden of religion, I don't need love right now.

Which isn't to say I'm asexual or anything like that! I am still allowed to indulge myself in the game of flirtation and furtive glances. I would look forward to the caressing and adoration of a woman, but I know I have more important things to pay attention to right now. I have a mind with the appetite of a Chicago Bears' linebacker right now and it demands information. How could I refuse its requests?

Do you think this whole commentary is a joke, or an overexaggeration? I thought it could have been as well, but I took a personality test and it confirmed my thoughts. Introverted, iNtuitive, Thinking, and Judging, that's me. There's no changing it. There's no sense trying to manipulate how I am. How fitting that the description of my general personality should refer to relationships with the Greek motif followed throughout this article -- love is truly my Achilles' Heel.



 
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