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Mihi Insolentia, May 20th, 2001 :: Ben Turner's Soapbox

 

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archived soapbox: May 20th, 2001
"Mihi Insolentia" [permalink]
    keywords: friendship, life, personality, career, hurt, expectations
    soapbox #: 294
    written: May 20th, 2001
    words: 864

"Mihi Insolentia", an Essay

I just had someone I know very well reduce my opinions and thoughts to "lofty ideas" from a "fuckin daytrader" who only knows about "shit [he] reads".

Not the first time I've basically been told I have no right to talk about something because I haven't been in the thick of things.

And, while it may be true that I've never had to first-hand deal with a lot of stuff I have opinions about, the thing that bothers me so much is that I don't need to hear that from someone very close to me.

It's one thing when some stranger says it to you, it's another thing entirely when someone you consider a friend lets it slip out that they really don't respect your opinion at all and think of it as coming from someone who is their for their mild entertainment.

I remember back in high school when one of my close friends kept blowing me off and distancing himself from me. I wrote something pretty critical of him in his yearbook -- I hope he refers back to it later. It was the same sort of shit -- he was trying to act like something he was not. He contacted me a little while ago and told me what he was up to these days. I didn't respond.

I know my brother thinks I need to experience more things in life and stop wasting my time with useless stuff and going out and doing a wider variety of things more often.

And you know what else bothers me? I still communicate with my ex from time to time and basically it's just as weird as everything else. Hell, I never did figure out why she came into my life in the first place, nor did I really understand why she broke up with me (explanations aside), nor do I really understand why she keeps talking to me now. It's all a big puzzle. It's just kind of weird. I don't remember really when she went out of her way to do something for me. I don't really expect her to ever do so again. I respond because I think highly of her and I'm fascinated with her life. But I don't expect anything of her. I don't really expect anything of any of my friends, honestly, except to just be my friend and to be there for me as I am to them.

One time I disappointed my ex when one time I wasn't as excited about something as she was, and she cried and said she shouldn't ever expect good things to happen, because then if it didn't fulfill her expectations, she'd be disappointed.

Well, that's how I feel now. I understand what she meant. I have such low expectations in a lot of things that I never look to them to surprise me or do something nice for me.

I know what my flaws are, and I'm trying to improve them, and it's very difficult. What I don't need from friends close to me is them judging me. It always hurts when people you respect in turn give you disrespect, but its effect is moreso when you're someone who is introverted and doesn't have many people close to him.

My problem with friends has always been that I never want anything from them. Which isn't inherently a problem, and is actually what you want from a friend, but what it means for me is that I end up losing communication with them out of laziness or whatever reason, when I really do like them and want to remain friends. Now, this isn't how people normally do things. Most keep in close contact with each other and do stuff together all the time, which is something I need to do more. I never judge friends, and I don't ask them for stuff all the time. I don't think I'm very demanding to friends, and I hope I'm not just deceiving myself by saying that.

Two friends I wish I hadn't have lost contact with are Yassine and George. I tried e-mailing both a while ago I think, but never received responses. Trish remains a dear friend, who never has a harsh word to say to me, but is always honest and inviting. She is a treasure. Slavek is a great pal, and is always there for me.

In more heart-warming news, my parents celebrated their 35th anniversary today. It's kind of unfathomable to me since they've been together 12 years longer than I've been alive. What they were busy doing when they were 23 themselves kind of makes what I do pale in comparison.

My parents have always been patient and generous and nice to me, and I thank them for that. It's very comforting to have that kind of support. One day I hope to repay them with interest.

Thank you, Mom and Dad.


 
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