"Alan Greenspan Drinking Game", an Essay

Traders mark their calendars for when Alan Greenspan, US Federal Reserve chief, is out somewhere giving a speech. They know that they can pretty much throw away most of that day out because of lack of volatility in the market, caused by Greenspan's infamously verbose speeches that take hours upon hours to deliver.

So hell, since no one's doing anything useful during that time, why not combine the zany antics of our beloved Greenspan with the disgustingly popular trend of drinking games? Well, that's what we've done, and here's how it goes! What's better than getting piss-poor drunk during mid-day to drown out Greenie and his cronies on CNBC?

• Greenie opens speech with a joke: 1 shot of your favorite liquor
• Greenie uses the word 'glidepath': lay on your back, down half a can of beer
• Greenie casually refers to the once non-existent bubble: 1 shot of tequila, plus a puff of a blunt ("dood, do you remember what just happened?!")
• Greenie talks about any surplus as if it exists: double shot of rum
• Greenie uses the word 'visibility': take shots of any liquor until you puke
• Use of 'irrational exuberance': 1 shot of a warm liquor (so you can somberly tell everyone "I told you so")
• Speech surpasses 3 hours in length: 3 shots of Jack Daniels, gonna be a long day
• Senator Robert Byrd goes on and on without asking Greenspan a question: chug 2 Dos Equis
• Greenie talks about further interest rate cuts: break out the moonshine, cause good times are here again!!!! right?

Keep in mind that it is everyone's responsibility to make sure everyone fulfills their obligation to drink. If you're not loaded within a half-hour of Greenie speaking, you're in for a very long and painful afternoon while he speaks.

This is a work in progress: if you have any more suggestions for drinking ideas, send them my way.