Deprecated: mysql_connect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/benturne/public_html/soapbox/comment_header.php on line 13
Trust Me, October 25, 1998 :: Ben Turner's Soapbox

 

the soapbox @ benturner.com
archived soapbox: October 25, 1998
"Trust Me" [permalink]
    keywords: transparency, personal, internet
    soapbox #: 159
    written: October 25, 1998
    words: 1619

"Trust Me", an Essay

It's all a matter of trust. The basis for all human interaction is trust. What laws, what punishments, what binding contracts would there be if our only maxim was trust? Why do you keep your trust to yourself so? What are you afraid of? Don't you see that your lack of trust is bringing you down?

What I need from you is your near-complete trust. Let me do my job for you. You wonder why everything seems so fragmented and unclear, why your opinions and ideas conflict so much with everyone around you. It's because you trust yourself with all your heart, and are not ready to do the same for others, even if you have no cause for alarm.

I am Ben Turner. You let me inside your walls, gave me access to things I previously did not have. Yet you do not let me in far enough to let me do what you originally chose me for. You see a bird you like, you net it, and you clip its feathers, and wait for it to fly for you. That's not how it works. That's now how I work.

I can, and will, show you things you have never seen, and will never see again. I do not move mountains, or push industries, or come up with groundbreaking ways of thought, but I do do my own part. At the very least, I am industrious. Arguably, that's one of the most important things you can give to society. Your hard work.

I am responsible, and I gain nothing by hurting intellectual, creative, entrepreneurial investments. What I do, I do for my own fulfillment and pride. I also do it to help others, and to contribute to a philosophy I believe in, that intelligence combined with information stomp out much of ignorance. Whatever I put out reflects back on me, and I live by my virtue and wariness of guilt.

Let me do what I'm good at. Play to my strengths. I will give you something good. You need to trust me. I've found that being reserved towards someone you expect something major from is asking for bad news -- the true expression of one's talents comes only through full access to creativity, full allowance to do whatever is needed to accomplish a task.

Working in groups is frustrating. I do not enjoy it. It stifles creativity. Sure, brainstorm sessions are vital, but group work does not succeed throughout the process of materializing ideas. It kills me. It presses my brain against my skull, squeezes it, gives me no room to explore and find what works best.

The quality of something is partly based on its continuity, on its easy flow. Something which is beautiful has a rhythm to it, in one form or another. Don't you see that having many people work on one task breaks the internal rhythm and shatters its fluidity?

One day, I want to create something so magical and so beautiful that I see it, then wonder how I was capable of doing it. I'm assaulted with the frightening thought that this will never become a reality. I wish that I could create something that transcended humanity such that I could analyze it and view it as something someone else must have done. I hold the greatest artists up on a pedestal, to be studied and learned from, in the hope that their insights can be used in my work. I want to look at my own work and revere it the way I revere a Raphael, or a Juvenal. But, currently, I don't think much of my work beyond the fact that it is, after all, still hard work.

I am not ashamed of what I do now, not by any means. But I have to be honest with myself -- anything I have done so far is covering ground that humans have been walking on for centuries. I'm still taking baby steps, walking down the long, windy roads others have taken. It does not happen overnight that you come to understand things, and most of what I write in my Soapboxes just shows that I'm not at the end, but merely at some point along the way (which doesn't stop me from claiming the definitive opinion, of course).

So what's my point? My point is that I do not disappoint often. As long as I am given the freedom to do what I think is best, I'll create something of a high quality with a soothing continuity. You just have to give me a chance.

It used to be that it was age that hindered my credibility. Then it turned into tone. People just aren't receptive to the tone I employ in much of my commentary and rants. Now, I think, it's turning into a lack of trust. People just don't trust me, even after all I've done for them has been done in complete fairness and even generosity and charity. They doubt my skills and my talents as compared to theirs.

Oh, I don't know HTML...when in fact, I have a very keen understanding of it. View the source of every page on my site, babe...now duplicate the technique, and explain why I used this tag here and that attribute there.

Oh, I don't know how to think...well, I'm at a loss as to why a lot of people still hang around me, given my brazen naivete, but I am, at the very least, curious about learning more. I could have learned much more at this point, yes, but what I've accomplished has still been worthy of recognition.

Oh, I don't know what's cool...fine, I don't. What am I supposed to do? Everyone has their own tastes and interests, and it wears me down to talk to people who I feel like I have to impress all the time. Whatever you enjoy, someone else can take that and go ten levels deeper with it to the core. Frankly, this sucks. I've only scratched the surface of many things.

So it goes. What more does one need out of me to trust me? It's all here. You want me? Here I am! You can check my HTML source and graphics quality yourself. You can see what I think about things, and see how those views change over time. You can see how my tastes develop, and widen. You can check how long I've been involved in certain areas, and see what my record is like in performance. And that's just through my site!

Seriously, what more do I need to give you? What if I refuse to give you anything? Do my actions not say enough about me? Why am I blacklisted, maligned, misunderstood? Everyone thinks I hate them, everyone hates me, everyone has some little grudge to get back at me for. And I did nothing to them -- I strive for fairness. Goddammit, just let me in and let me show you what I do best.

I suppose I am a zealous supporter of solitary work and the expression of the individual soul. The drive to learn ultimately comes from within, and long stretches of days without any human contact at all have given me time to think about what I can produce for this world.

I think I can do something wonderful, something beautiful, something brilliant. I want to do that. I need to do that.

Trust is far too guarded these days. Or, let me rephrase -- those who deserve trust are not given enough trust. They are given the equivalent of a permanent probationary status. Never quite allowed all the way inside. Resident alien. I trust Anna entirely, without worry or doubt about her actions. I cannot begin to tell you how rewarding this is. I genuinely feel like Anna and I love each other more than every damn couple on the planet. Can you say that about your relationship? Can you put so much faith into the human emotions?

The more you sacrifice and take chances with, the more you ultimately get back.

Which is one reason it pains me to separate myself from mankind. I feel at a loss, in some respects, to prefer working alone to collaborating with others. I feel disconnected, alienated, lifeless, and cold...towards other humans. In my own mind, there is another world entirely, one made up of raging feelings, long-winded logic proofs, dreams about both the future and fantastic realms conjured up inside my skull. I'm most satisfied by work I do on my own, and I feel it is more of a complete package. I love working on my own.

So it turns out that you don't trust me, and you may never will. Fine. Will you lose more by not trusting me than I will lose by dissolving all our ties? Please understand that I hold onto a spirit which demands that I work alone, free of laziness and idleness and bickering. I cannot thrive in the environments everyone gives me, which are full of restrictions and stupid rules.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I will not put up with your shit, my temper regarding this matter is short, and before you know it, I can be long gone. You will not hold me down.

All I ask for to succeed with you, is that you trust me. You have everything to gain.


 
RATE THIS SOAPBOX


Deprecated: mysql_connect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/benturne/public_html/soapbox/rating_new.php on line 53

Rate this based on quality and interestingness. (0-100%)
overall rating for this Soapbox:
0%
total votes: 16

 

 

benturner.com:  click here to start at the beginning
 
RECENT NEWS (MORE):  Subscribe to my del.icio.us RSS feed! about moods | mood music
12/03/08 MOOD:  (mood:  yellow)