I'm not exactly sure how I got to be the way I am now. That is, how I got to be so softspoken and quiet and undemanding in public. I think of myself as very polite, and I think that I am always trying to be pleasant to strangers and to women I find attractive and to superiors and to inferiors and to people who are rude to me. I hardly ever get angry at people and I will put up with almost anything everyone does. I don't think that ill of clumsiness or stupidity, or any of that. I'm very tolerant of everyone I run into.
You could break it down, I suppose. Maybe it's because I have polite parents, and my father, who is almost always the dominant force in discussion, made me more passive. Maybe it's because I'm one of those kids whose childhood friends moved away or I moved away from them, and it turned me into the introverted sort.
For whatever reason, I think I've gotten to the point where I'm fed up with being like that.
I mean, I'm not the tallest person, but I'm 6'1", which is taller than most people, plus I've put on bulk which has helped me to fill out my frame (I've been pretty gangly for a while). Not to mention I look like a real sinister guy, enough that I always seem to get stopped by cops when travelling in airports.
But under all that, I'm the type of person who doesn't push and shove or say much at all when things happen. I don't have wild emotional swings. I try to be polite whenever possible, but there IS such a thing as being too polite.
Like with women. I mean, personally, if I were a woman, and I went to a club or some shit, I wouldn't want to be harassed by every guy, and I wouldn't want to be placed in the embarrassing situation of turning a guy down nicely. So if I go to a club or see a girl somewhere, I don't go bother her normally.
But that's too logical you see. While women may appreciate it, it certainly doesn't mean that it gets ME anywhere with them. Guy friends agree, girls don't pay attention to the nice, polite type at first. I know girls think of themselves as kind-hearted, sweet, generous souls, but when it comes to guys, they are NOT. They reward exactly the bad behavior they "scorn" in public.
So I figure it's time to be a little more assertive in forcing myself upon situations. That is, if I want to be the first to grab something in a line, no one's going to fucking stop me. If I need better service immediately, I have a better chance of getting attention than some other people do.
I was given a lot of natural intimidation to work with, so I might as well use it like others of my build and potential do. I know people who work the system and work other people, and it always amazes me how they do it. It's second-nature to them, the whole charisma part. A lot of it has to do with confidence, which I guess once I cut through all the analyzing bullshit of being laid-back and nonplussed, is something I need to improve on, and a lot to do with how you present yourself to others.
I mean, shit, if I'm playing basketball at the gym, I'm playing against kids a lot younger than me, and I can push them around pretty easily. Why be overly generous to them? This doesn't mean not being civil or not being nice. It just means getting what I want when I want it.
And as far as women go, well this act is getting me nowhere, so I might as well take some more chances and be more aggressive. I don't agree with the philosophy of it, but it's the only way for someone like me.
I don't know why this didn't occur to me sooner. I've noticed people as I've gotten older have had their immediate reactions towards me be of deference, but I never took advantage of it, let alone recognize it. And they would be caught-off guard because they were expecting someone a little more forceful. ... Can you imagine how I can use these newly-found powers to my own selfish ends? *rubs hands together greedily* And, I mean, I'm a fairly honest guy, straight-forwardness alone should help me get into some interesting situations.
No, it's not like that, really. But shit, it goes with all things that no one does anything for you unless you provoke them into doing things, so it's about time I started doing so.
This will be fun.
PS: I have the creeping, somewhat sickening realization that I'm maturing later than most my age. I think I'm a few years behind my peers. A late bloomer perhaps. I'm getting interested in stuff I should've been interested in as a teenager. I need to push myself harder.
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