You know, I'm glad that most people are leaving me alone these days. Really, I am. People have been ticking me off more and more as of late, for various reasons, mainly my growing attention towards others' idiosyncrasies, habits, and dialogue. Luckily, I live a life which does not rely on those people, so my exposure to such droll, annoying personalities is limited. A nice relaxing evening alone getting projects done, researching my latest interests, and other Bennish© things are enough for me.
Well, it used to be.
That's not quite what I want anymore.
And what I want is, just at this point in time, something I can't have.
I need Anna, see. She's out of town at the moment (well, she's always out of town, in relation to me, since she lives in Sweden), so I don't have any way to communicate with her or smile with her or talk to her or even write to her. She'll be back in Sweden soon, but it's at times like these when you have to question the way of the world.
There is nothing more I want than my huntress Anna, the woman who cares for and caresses my heart, as I do hers (I always seek to keep a burning curiosity and a pursuit of knowledge, don't get me wrong -- I'm talking about things and people other than the development and growth of myself).
As you may recall (perhaps painfully by now, after all the swooning and dreaming I've done in the past), I spent a glorious, perfect week with Anna for the first time in London. I'd never met her before in real life, but instantly, we knew something magical was enjoying our presence with us. We know that our relationship is special, like it is right, like it is fated to be.
Okay, so Mr. Ben seems to be overtaken by love and he's not thinking straight, a jaded reader might be crowing, subconsciously. But there have been signs, uncanny similarities, perfect matches, and various other clues which have helped our fortuitous first meetings blossom into meshing of souls, kaleidoscopes of soothing, beautiful colors which bathe the human spirit inside of both of us. I've thought about all of this with the information of the participant and, although struggling to do it, with the rational eye of an observer. There is no doubt in my mind that I love Anna for all of her. There is no doubt in my mind that she is who I want and she is who I want to share my life with.
It was less than a week, actually. Plane trips take a lot of time out of your itinerary. But the few days we had together were enough to trigger a whole adjustment of my philosophy and perspective. Anna is truly amazing. Not just amazing in the sense that I'm in love with her and she is a perfect match for me. She's amazing for who she is. I seriously don't know how such a motivated, gorgeous, intelligent woman ever ended up with me, the man voted most likely by his Web peers to never allow anyone to love him. (Lance, for your information, was voted most likely to never want to love someone, and was not nominated in my category.) I'll come back to that last sentence later. I think I do understand why we met and why we were so well-matched for each other.
That shortened week went by faster than I've ever had a week go by in my life. Her face, her body, her razor-sharp tongue, her kiss... The flight back was painful. My heart tried to collaborate with my mind to desperately think of ways to delay my going back home. But my mind, which was sad as well and wished to stay with its equal, in Anna, knew that the week was over and that it was time to go home. My body was left confused and it remained that way for a very long time, the touches of Anna's hand and her lips still fooling my body into thinking she is with me.
Every part of me misses Anna. It isn't a depression, really. It's the sense of knowing I'll eventually get to see Anna again, but wanting her right now, right in my arms. It's a feeling like I'm being kept from her, that there's something I could do to be with her, but I haven't thought about it long enough. It's a feeling like every experience in my life turns into a "how wonderful it would be if Anna and me were doing this, instead of it being just myself doing this alone" sort of thing. I feel incomplete. I feel like other people and other couples have it better than I do right now. I'm not bitter or angry or trying to place guilt. I'm actually quite happy. I share love with the woman I've always dreamed of, and we both think about each other constantly. I feel alone sometimes, without Anna's sweet-smelling body safe in the warmth of my embrace.
I shouldn't feel alone. Anna and I will get to talk often until we meet again, which I'm hoping comes sooner than the new year will. <ahem> The Internet is the best substitute for being without physical presence. We get to share our love, feelings, experiences, and other parts of our lives with each other through a connection only we can take a part of (don't give me that hacking nonsense ;) ). But it's just not the same, and it makes us sad sometimes, which is allowable. We'd rather be with each other, spending the whole day together, truly being one couple, as...it should be.
One comes to start thinking about why it turns out this way, that the perfect love remains kept apart physically. Religion came about over these sorts of disputes inside the mind. It's quite obvious to us, and to others close to us, and even to complete strangers that we were made for each other. We're so similar, so understanding of each other, so...so who made us? What made us? Why were we made so compatible for each other, brought together even though we live a whole ocean apart, and why were we brought together in our educational stage, the main factor which keeps us apart? Is it because we had finally developed enough to be ready for each other? Who decides and who watches? Why do they care? Was a wish we both made at the same time granted? Do compatible souls always meet in their current incarnations through fate? I don't believe in the Christian notion of religion, or any of its various sects, but I have to believe in some sort of judge, conscious or not, which decides how people will be treated fairly and justly.
I have to believe that someone or something out there, whether it's just a dead ancestor or an omnipotent god, is looking out for me, making sure I get what I deserve.
Most of getting what I deserve is my responsibility and I receive little to no help in that quest. But there are times when what I deserve is unreachable to me, and that's when I think my hard work pays off. Anna and I believe in the Internet for its infinite possibilities and opportunities, and that belief inspired us to learn more about the 'Net, and more about the Web, and through the Web we met. I can't explain it, I guess. But there's no other way to account for how my life has developed. How would I meet a woman of such a personality, drive, and beauty that is unmatched if there were greater forces involved? How would I ever meet a woman who lives in Sweden (yet speaks perfect English) when I live in the States, unless it was meant to be? How...well, I could go on and on. How likely could it be that this was just a meeting brought on solely by our pursuits of the same goal, with no divine intervention or spinning of the Fates' yarn? That is entirely a possibility, but I enjoy thinking about whether Anna and me have a protector and why that protector has been assigned for us.
I've decided that the stoic sort of philosophy is the one best employed to handle this physical separation between Anna and me. We've worked all our lives and have been given a taste of the succulent nectar of love in store for us as long as we keep working hard. We were able to see how we loved each other in real life, and it turned out, in London, that we are indeed perfect for each other. We have months of school to get through before we are allowed to spend more time close to each other. We have years of school to get through before we are allowed to share our lives together...together.
Hard work is rewarded. Believing in something is rewarded. The world isn't all bad, as many would say. Truly beautiful things do exist. You have to work hard to keep beautiful things like love vibrant and thriving with life. You have to believe in beautiful things like love or else they won't show themselves to you. You must...you absolutely must...believe that what you are doing is what you want to do and what you need to do, and never just do something only for yourself.
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