8/30/97 - Deliberation and Rumination.

     Another .plan missed.  But we know warez
     shit precludes talking to one's girlfriend
     and taking care of business that comes one's
     way, don't we?

     That's how it is.  Real fucking blast.  You
     know those games that come on CDs?  Try
     downloading them over a modem.  With two
     'Net savvy people needing to use the phone.

     Right now the plan is to get myself to
     Stockholm for Christmas so I can give sweet
     Anna a nice Christmas gift.  As you may
     already know, finding the best plane tickets
     involves dealing with other people and with
     what they've organized.  Right up my alley.

     Trying to rustle up the money to pay
     comfortably for the tickets to do so.  I'm
     worried about it now because some deals I'd
     worked out earlier have been either cancelled
     or delayed.  That's how it is doing contract
     stuff.  I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.
     Unless you're a big wig company riding the
     coattails of exposure.

     So this is my life, a constant struggle
     between the professionalism and honesty I
     consider myself to have and the fickle
     nature of other peoples' wants and desires.
     I'm very good at deflecting people away
     from me, and for the most part, one can
     get by with interacting with people without
     having to deal too much with their screw-ups.

     Introverts aren't born that way.  I don't
     believe personalities are genetic at all.
     Affected by genetics, maybe, but not genetic
     in that this gene controls this behavior and
     that does that and so on.

     I'm not perfect myself.  Sometimes when
     people ask me to do something, I take longer
     than what they want, or other things like
     that.  But, come on, I don't make the same
     mistake twice.  Most people DO.  They never
     learn.

     And those are the people I get when I'm at
     the check-out counter trying to get out of
     the store as fast as possible.  Those are
     the people who funnel my tuition money
     through the UT void which we call the UT
     online network.

     I hate being around people who are better
     and smarter and more efficient than me.
     Because it's always a competition with me.
     No one outdoes me and gets away with it.
     A weakness, therein lies.  But you know,
     those are the people I always want to be
     around.  I hate them, but I can't pull
     myself away from them.  I learn a lot from
     them.  They don't hold me back -- I hold
     them back.  They probably hate me.

     If I want to be with any friends, they are
     friends who I respect so much that I'm
     jealous of them, yet they feel the same
     way about me.


       "It is a true proverb, that if you live
        with a lame man, you will learn to
        limp."
                             -Plutarch

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